Nervous

I hate that I get nervous about this kind of stuff. I'm sitting here at work waiting for this engineer guy to call me about getting back into engineering.

I just haven't found a job here in my field that works for me. I think it's a bit of culture difference. It's always been a bit of a boys club, even in the US, but here you also have a bit of machoism thrown in to make it interesting. I've never been extremely comfortable with it, but the longer I'm away from it the more scared I am to get back into it (all these its refer to engineering). I don't have the motivation to prove myself with all of these men. There's also a huge difference between studying engineering and engineering as an industry. I loved studying it but I really don't know if I want to work in an environment like the one in engineering firms. But then again, maybe I just haven't found the right job yet. Oy, how do I know? Plus, I have myself a comfy job now that intellectually doesn't challenge me so much but provides me with a place that I really don't mind going to everyday.

What to do, what to do.

This meeting is just an advising type meeting anyway, I'm pretty sure he doesn't have a job for me now in any case.

Then to throw a little more doubt into the mix part of me feels that I haven't found a great job in my field because I'm an "immigrant", and that my job now is just me settling or even being held down by society. And on the other end of the spectrum I think that this job is a blessing because it allows me the creative energy and motivation to start creating artwork again, something that I haven't done since before I started engineering in college.

That's what I really want to do. If someone could guarantee me that I could get some sort of art producing buisness off the ground I would give this whole engineering thing up in a second. But why at this point in time do I feel totally inadequate if I don't get a "real" job?

This really sucks. I guess it could be worse though and I could not have a job at all right now.

I guess I feel this need to prove myself, that I really can be an engineer. Why? I have no idea. My husbad thinks I should give the whole thing up. But I liked it for a reason, right? Maybe this is just a case of being good at something not meaning that you should do it for the rest of your life.

Maybe if I get "I can do calculus" tatooed on my forehead, I'll feel better and won't feel the need to pursue this.

Ugh. Back to waiting for the phone call.