What Has Happened...

I don't even know where to start this post. Unfortunately, the way I blog is usually backward in time. I miscarried last week, at week 6. Technically it was another chemical pregnancy because it was never confirmed by ultrasound, but a chemical pregnancy at 16dp3dt is a hell of a lot different from a "chemical pregnancy" that lasts until the middle of the 5th week. My guess is that if I had been in Israel with my normal health care I would have been able to spot the decline in the pregnancy earlier but being in America visiting my family put me in a very awkward situation. My RE says that there was nothing I could have done differently, but I still feel that somehow maybe the pregnancy would have survived if I hadn't put so much stress on my body so early on. Logically I know how ridiculous that is, I am a firm believer in that pregnancies are built to survive in a body going about it's daily business and that if it was going to stick it would have stuck.

It all started when I stepped off the airplane went to insert my progesterone (traveling alone with a three and a half year old is not conducive to progesterone insertion) and saw spotting. The first spotting I had had the whole cycle. I tried to stay calm, but I continued spotting the whole next week and a half until my period started in earnest and I was finally able to get an ultrasound the same day. I was a mess the whole time. I emailed with my doctor who at first said that it could be normal, then thought I should get an ultrasound to rule out an ectopic before I got on the airplane. Unfortunately I was right, my period started and the ultrasound showed no pregnancy whatsoever. Where the pregnancy went is beyond me. I had felt pregnant until about a day before my period started, and I had high betas so it couldn't have been in my imagination. Plus, my period was heavy and long, lots of clots and cramps. Not my usual period.

So, it's over. I don't know what to do next time. Even if I get good betas I'm not going to feel pregnant until my first ultrasound. How am I going to know if it is for real or not? I guess next time I'll be able to run some bloodwork if I need, but I'm just getting more and more traumatized by this experience. I have two more embryos frozen, I really hope that's all it will take for us. Right now I'm having a natural cycle, if everything goes smoothly we might transfer this cycle without any meds (at least until luteal phase). Though I did go in for monitoring this morning and there was a small cyst outside my left ovary. The technician didn't seem too concerned, we'll see what my doctor thinks.