Vacation

Beta was negative. At least I got to gloat a bit.

We decided to wait until after the high holidays to cycle again. My doctor thinks that I'll be able to have a full natural cycle before Sukkot (and the clinics open again), so no BCPs for me! Yay!

Plan for next IVF is the same protocol (Gonal F, Cetrotide), but we will possibly try to sacrifice number of eggs in order to use an hcg trigger. All of our eggs will be ICSI'd (we lost half of our eggs to the natural fertilization attempt last cycle), and we might try for a day 5 transfer depending on how many embryos we have (my clinic doesn't have a great track record with freezing Day 5 blasts, so we'll have to see what we're willing to risk when the time comes).

Slip Up

Uggggh. I've been having a very bad day. Ever since the negative hpt it has just been going down hill.

I made the mistake of mentioning in an email to my doctor that I tested this morning and got a negative. The purpose of the email was to discuss with him what to do next and how to get my prescriptions etc. in the case that I got a negative result. And not only did I mention that I tested, but I left out the hpt part and he thought I had a beta done today, and he got pissed. Then while we were talking on the phone I didn't realize why he was so pissed and I was very confused (he said that I was messing with the treatment, which I think is a little over exaggeration for an hpt). Then I looked back on my email and saw that it did indeed look like I had a beta done and at least I understood his comments a bit more. Finally, I was also able to communicate to him that all I had wanted was to discuss future plans so that if I needed anything from him it could be done on Sunday, the only day that he works in my clinic and can get me stuff directly from him.

Ugggh. I should have kept my mouth shut about the test to begin with, I have a right to discuss my future treatment whether it's justified or not, especially if I need to deal with the beaurocratic crap that's involved in the whole process. I get screwed either way. If I try to be preemptive I get shit for not letting it play out all the way, but I promise that if I had waited until my scheduled beta on Monday I would have been yelled at for not talking about it ahead of time and wouldn't be able to cycle based on some logistic thing or another.

How my doctor thinks that a negative hpt this late in the game doesn't mean anything is beyond me. Even my chemical had shown up by now. But whatever, that's a whole other can of worms.

10dp3dt

Negative.

Now what?

6dp3dt

This part of the wait is so awful. There's just nothing you can do to make yourself feel better, you just have to wait. My lower back is super crampy. To me it seems like it's too much already and leaning more towards my period. Last cycle when I really was pregnant at the beginning I had only some lower back cramps at 5dp3dt and then that was it. The good news is that I think the spotting was a fluke, and just from the suppositories. I think my cervix just groans when it sees the endometrin now, I've been on it for a good 4 cycles (PIO for one of them instead), plus the extra two weeks that I was pregnant, and there's always a point when I really feel the irritation.

I also just feel like if I'm not pregnant I will also have period symptoms creeping up on me faster since this is a natural cycle. I got my progesterone checked at 3dp3dt and it was good and high, but that's when the natural peak is . Usually when you have it checked mid luteal phase it's a little past the peak and shows lower numbers anyway.

I'm really praying that this works, but just have nothing showing me that it might be the case. I think I need to start posting about nail polish, I need a distraction. The funny thing about this blog is that ever since I started treatments I made a conscious decision to focus the blog on the treatments, not on any of the other things I have going on in my life. But I think it's becoming a little detrimental to my mental health. To be honest, besides checking the blogs of women cycling, I tend to be obsessed with nail polish blogs, food blogs, and design blogs. I know it seems a little out of left field, but since no one really reads this anyway I think it's time to start posting stuff that makes me happy. We'll see if I follow through, but it's just a warning that random pictures of my nails might start showing up.

3dp3dt

Ugh. A little spotting this morning and some lower back cramps. Is this good? Is this bad? Who the hell knows. I had back cramps (most of my pre-period cramps I get in my lower back ever since I gave birth, I guess it rearranged my innards a bit) last month during implantation but no spotting. When I got pregnant with Adi I did have spotting at implantation. So, I guess what I'm proving is that you never know. It seems a little early to me for implantation, but what can you do. Just saving this information for future obsessing.