Coming Out

Last night I told my parents and sister that I was pregnant. God that was scary. I don't know why I was so nervous about it but I was. It had to do with several things, first of all, that I'm just very very early along and every twinge and cramp (and I'm having a decent amount, but no blood, that's what I keep telling myself) sends me into a paranoid funk where I'm sure someones going to suddenly tell me that it didn't work, time to try again. But, in the end I decided that if, God forbid, something happens to the pregnancy, I'm going to want my family's support (E's family is another story, I love them very much but they're not always comforting, we'll wait a bit to tell them).

Second, I just always had this fear that us having a baby was just going to be another magnifyer of how far we are from my family, and how every happy thing that happens in our life essentially just highlights how sad we're making my parents.

Luckily, we've all grown since E and I got married, and my family was absolutely ecstatic. I seriously have never heard my dad squeal like that. Hee.

I feel good about telling them, I feel like I now have some more support that I needed, people cheering for me.

Ahhhh. Letting a big sigh out. I'm really not good at lying to my parents and not telling them was really sitting on me.

Now I just wait until my first u/s, until then I just have to assume everything is working the way it should.

The Aftermath

First of all, thank you for all of the good wishes. It really means a lot, especially since I can't tell anybody in real life yet it is great to have a support system here.

In between this post and this post I realized that 1) I wasn't spotting at all, ever since that episode at 9dpo (actually now that I look back on it I think it was more like 11dpo, must be accurate for the record keeping) it had stopped completely, 2) no matter which day I ovulated on I was essentially late. Besides that, nothing. Besides those two things my cycle felt exactly the same as every other cycle, as indicated by my wrath in this post.

So, I drove to the pharmacy to buy some HPTs, kicking myself the whole way for doing it because I had never gotten two lines before so why should this time be different. I calmed myself down by saying that I would wait a couple of days to test anyway to MAKE SURE that I wasn't going to start bleeding hours after peeing on the stick.

I think I managed to wait one more day. I had my normal pre-period cramps (by pre-period I mean the cramps I always get from 7dpo on, so really I have them for a long part of my cycle), my boobs were really sore (exactly like every other cycle), but my PMS rage had managed to stay away.

So, the next morning I peed and it was positive. The test line was not as dark as the control line but plenty dark to see that it was there. By this point in time I wasn't so shocked as much as relieved that I wasn't crazy, yes, I was pregnant.

I went downstairs where E was almost passing out from the suspense, told him I was pregnant (I really couldn't be any more creative, the poor boy was almost crying from the dissapointment again) and he cried anyway. He is very happy to say the least. He's quite a bit older than me so he had a lot invested in this. He wants to see his kids go to school before he's 50 (he's 37 now), plus because he's older he was convinced his spermies were just not up to the job and causing all of the issues. Anyway, he's ecstatic, it's very sweet.

We haven't told anyone else yet mainly because we want to make sure it sticks around. It hit me a couple of days ago that really, you have no idea that there is really something in there until you get your first ultrasound. That really sobered me up. We'll see how long I last though keeping this to myself.

How have I been feeling since then... Well, I was still very crampy until about yesterday. The night before I tested I almost had a breakdown because my cramps had gotten so bad that I was positive I'd be getting my period that night. But then no blood. I figure as long as there isn't any blood the cramps are fine. But the past day or so they really have become almost non-existent.

Starting the day before I took the test I had some pretty bad nausea. But it came in waves and pretty much tapered off a couple of days ago. Now I just get little teeny waves usually when I get up to pee in the middle of the night. I am exhausted but only when I'm not doing anything. It's kind of like jetlag in that once it sets in it's like a switch turns off in my brain and I must go to sleep that instant. Boobs still are sore, but it's different than normal. It's much less intense but more constant. It's there, just enough to remind me it's there. It's really nothing compared to the exploding boob feeling I get the week before my period.

The peeing is annoying. When I drink stuff I pee more frequently and I feel like my body lets less stuff out. Not really so much fun. Also, my digestive system just seems to be on the fritz. I'm either constipated or have an upset stomach, either starving or have no appetite whatsoever.

Besides all of this, I'm really feeling great. I feel better as I get farther into it. This freaked me out at first, but I figure I'll get my hormone rushes eventually. I just have to trust that everything is going on ok inside of me.

God, I'm happy. This huge stress of trying to get pregnant is now lifted, I feel like I can see clearly again. It wasn't a good experience to take some time to get pregnant, but I definetely learned a lot (though I really can only see that now that I'm on the other side). It definetely left an impact on me. I hope everyone who is still trying to get pregnant will get there soon. I'm not going to forget this experience so soon.

As for logistics, I already went to my first OB appointment last thursday night. I know it was a bit early (I'm technically in my 5th week) but Passover is coming in a week and I couldn't get another appointment until after the holiday which was a bit too late (I would have been in my 9th week by then) for my peace of mind. I'm glad I went. My OB was awesome (she's also my GYN but different field now) she thought it was good that I had come, gave me the referrals I needed for a 7 week ultrasound and for bloodwork. I also have another appointment for April 19th already to discuss all of the results. Now I just have to schedule my u/s appointment, my OB said that my insurance is a bit backed up for u/s's right now so that it's good I got my referral already. Just need to get an appointment now. E's in charge of that. He navigates the beaurocracy here much better than I.

Whew. I think that's it. Sorry this is so jumbled. There's a lot going on in my brain now. Again thank you for the support. I'll update soon.

Positive

I took an HPT this morning.

It was definetely positive.

I'm pregnant.

Holy crap.

Sometimes it's good to be wrong.

Going Shopping

Sorry I've been quiet. It's the luteal phase shutdown. Luckily this time it only extended to the blog world. In the real world I've been doing a good job of compartmentalizing TTC from the rest of my life, and I'm feeling much better. Part of this compartmentalizing though, relies on me not obsessing about what is going on inside my uterus, which means I just can't post. Sorry, not much I can do about it. I promise to make up for it in the first two weeks of my cycle.

I forget exactly where I read it, it was somewhere on All and Sundry, not sure whether it was Linda or one of her commenters who said it. But they mentioned that being TTC means living your life in two week increments. So true. It's inescapable.

I haven't gotten my period yet, but it's just a matter of time. Ever since I ovulated I have been positive that it was a no go even though we had lots of good sex at the right time. I just felt exactly the same as every other month. Little cramps starting at around 7dpo, boobs feeling like they would explode. Absolutely the same things going on, day by day. I had a little spotting on about 9dpo which made things interesting, but my temp was low this morning when I took it so as far as I'm concerned this cycle is over.

Because I have been obsessing about my body for months already I've gotten to the point where I can tell I'm not pregnant as early as 7dpo. I'm sorry, that's absolutely ridiculous, I really shouldn't be blessed with so much physical self-awareness. Since I have had so much time to focus on my symptoms while knowing I'm not pregnant, it has given me time to seethingly stew on the crap that are "pregnancy symptoms". I've been mentally writing a thesis for the past week called "The Symptom Phenomenon". It basically focuses on the fact that maybe the lists of pregnancy symptoms were helpful when women didn't pay attention to their bodies at all before they were actually pregnant, but now that women are charting, checking CM, etc. these lists are pretty much a mute point. Our bodies do this stuff every month, just no one ever pays attention to it until they are pregnant/trying to get pregnant.

If you're lucky I will fully flesh out this thesis for you with personal data in a future post. I promise, it will be good.

Until then, think about all of your new favorite stuff to buy in the U.S. I just bought my tickets to come home in late April, and my shopping button has now been turned on. Some of the stuff I definitely need to buy includes new shoes (of the Mic*helle K, tsu*bo persuasion, suggestions welcome) and new perfume (I need to replace this, but am open to other ideas as well). Basically, I'm going to be spending lots of money on new clothes and Seph*ora just because shopping in America is actually fun. In addition I will be spending some good quality time at Star*bucks and Pan*era.

Ok people, what have I been missing for the past 9 months or so? Ooh, I'm excited.

Pretty Boring and All Over the Place, Enjoy

This past week I've been wiped out with a cold. Just a cold though, really it could have been worse. Plus, I've been averaging 2-3 colds a year for the past couple of years. This is very very good for me. Remind me to tell you about the 10 years of my life where I got sick every. single. month. Like clockwork. Two to three a year is paradise compared to that.

Unfortunately, now my allergies seem to be aggravating my recovery process. It's the time of year where there is a yellow film on everything outside, the only time of year when I have allergies, and it's making me feel kind of yucky.

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It's warm here! The past week has been gorgeous. I know it's the cause of the yellow film, but I love it anyway.

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I had a dream last night where I gave birth in someone's living room. The birth was really easy but then I couldn't birth the placenta. Yeah, I have no idea where that one came from, but for some reason it really stuck with me and left me with a yucky feeling so I had to write about it.

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So, in the end there might be a possibility of a baby this month. I'm not saying how, but some sperm did manage to get near me at the general right time of the month. We're really good at following our therapist's advice, yes we are.

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I know I've mentioned that my SIL is going through fertility treatments now. I really love her and consider her to be one of my few friends here. She can be a little closed though and we really haven't talked much about the whole thing since she told us she was starting the treatments.

Meanwhile, I've been dying to talk to her about it because I need someone to relate to about the whole TTC rollercoaster. So, last week during a family Purim get together we had a chance to talk alone, which doesn't often happen, and we both got to spill about where we were standing.

I got the lowdown on where they are and she now knows where we are in the process. It felt really good to talk about it, and open the line of communication. I don't have a lot of girlfriends here and recently I've been feeling like we were falling out of touch because we were both getting sucked in to our respective struggles, when really all I wanted to do was call her and tell her how crappy this all is. I'm trying to stop putting everything in my life on hold while we're trying to get pregnant, it's a process and it might take a long time and I don't want to wake up a couple of years from now and realize that I have no life left. This was a very good step in that direction.