What am I Doing With my Life?

No fucking clue!!!!

Ahem.

Stuff's a little slow at work. I feel better now.

Memorial

This past Tuesday was Holocaust memorial day (Yom Hashoah). While I was growing up I went to a Jewish Day School that went really all out to commemorate the day. In theory I think this is a great thing and very important, but for some reason I was blessed with some sort of inherent trauma related to anything Holocaust. There's really no reason for it, my family left Europe after the Pogroms in the early 1900s. So while I'm sure I have lots of distant family who suffered through the Holocaust I've never had to deal with my grandparents being survivors. Every year, starting in about second grade, as soon Yom Hashoah came around I would be thrown into this state of panic/depression/ anxiety for months after what they exposed us to at school. It was really awful. I just couldn't handle listening to stories, seeing movies, reading books. I even considered transferring to public school for 11th grade so that I wouldn't have to take the semester long Holocaust class required.

Then in eighth grade we had to read Night by Elie Weisel (sorry about the spelling of his name, not sure if it's correct). I really panicked, cried, felt like I was going to throw up, etc. I even went to the guidance couselor. She helped a bit, mainly it felt good to be able to talk about it with someone. In the end I read the book. It wasn't fun, but I got through it, and in the end it helped me build up my skin a little bit (which in theory I don't think is necessarily a good thing either, do we want to build up an immunity to this kind of horror?). I also survived the 11th grade curriculum, which ended up being more historically based (how Hitler came to power, etc.).

While I made it through all of these things required of me I also recognized my limitations. I don't want to numb myself to the point where I don't feel anything for what happened, and for me there's no happy medium. As much as I feel the importance of hearing everything that happened, documenting it, educating about it, memorializing it. I'm not the one to do it. I felt very guilty about this for a long time. In the end I feel like the emotion that was built into me, for whatever reason, is my way of memorializing what happened. Some people can study it their whole lives, teach it, be activists, that's their role in memorializing this whole thing. For me, I just smell something that reminds me of the spring, the time when everything turns to Yom Hashoah, and everything comes flooding back. I have heard hundreds of stories about what happened, each more horrible than the next. These will last me for a long time, they are still very clear in my mind as much as I try to keep them tucked away.

Anyway, this whole long explanation is just to give background to why I observe Yom Hashoah the way I do now, which is by trying to ignore it. It may sound awful to some, but as I have explained above it's my way of moving on with life. I don't tell people not to deal with it, I just go about my way, quietly avoiding the things I know will traumatize me.

The one thing that is inescapable here is the siren. Every Yom Hashoah (and Israel's Memorial Day which is next week) there is a siren that sounds at 10 am for a minute or so. The incredible thing, is the entire country stops. When I was in school I had learned about it every year, seen movies of how it happens. It seemed pretty cool, but it didn't seem to be very emotional for me. Now that I live here, I must say it's not just cool, it's really incredible. Now that I live here, this country feels like any other country, people are assholes, people do whatever they want, there's crime. It's a country for god's sake. So now when I see what happens it really has an impact on me. This country is notorious for people not abiding by the rules, just because, egos abound. But when the siren sounds everyone stops, no one is too cool.

My new ritual is to walk out of my office to a little outlook across the street that overlooks the highway. The first time I did it I almost didn't believe I was going to see what I saw, the siren started and people froze. All the cars stopped, busses stopped, people got out and stood alongside their cars, pedestrians stopped. It floored me.

In a way, I think it's so powerful because it forces everyone to show their emotions in front of everyone else. No matter how tough someone is, they get out of their car and stand to honor the past.

I may not be watching all of the movies that are on TV on Yom Hashoah but I will definetly be walking outside to watch the entire country stop and honor what happened.

I'm back

I forgot to write a post letting you all know where I went off to. Passover took over, but now I'm back.

I don't know what I was expecting from this experience. I was worried that it would be a mess, that no one would have a good time. This is the first time in a long time when the actual outcome so greatly surpassed my expectations, I'm still marveling at it. My mother said that E and I made a great Pesach and I truly believe her, I felt it too.

Food was great, people were great, lots of good moods all around which is not a given with my family. I love them dearly but they can be a bit grumpy. These negative moods have really prevailed since I got engaged, married, and then moved to Israel and have been tough to deal with. For the first time since this whole rollercoaster started I really felt the happiness. I felt the sunshine at the end of a long tunnel. It was very good for me and I'm sure the rest of my family. Our dog even behaved, who knew.

I'm recovering a bit. More soon.

Stop taking pictures of me!

And Pesach descends upon us...

I know, the title makes it sound very depressing, but it's not. I actually love Pesach. And this year is a milestone. I am officially entering the adult world.

WE'RE making the seder. Oh my god!!!

That pretty much sums up how I feel about it. Excited, but scared out of my mind, I just have been ignoring the scared part trying to pretend it's not there. My whole family is coming from the states, staying with us, and we're making Pesach for them. Just a little bit of pressure. Luckily, my family is not so strict on exactly how pesach is done, they've definetely gotten more flexible as the years have gone on. We're only doing one seder and eating kitniyot and I think my dad is a little excited about it.

E has been cleaning the house like a madman in order to win my love forever (just kidding, kind of), an I must say he's done a damn good job. Oh! oh oh oh. I almost forgot to add, while he was cleaning he found the spider! He caught it and threw it into the neighbors yard, the ones that are a little annoying. He. Dude, it was like having a mouse in the house, this was not just any spider. Free at last.

Anyway, rooms are organized, windows washed, floors cleaned (though that will have to be done again after the mud that Puppers tracked in after the unpredicted rain), kitchen organized, important utensils bought, and food bought as well. All we have left to do is clean the kitchen when we're ready to switch over to all Pesach stuff, and then cook like we've never cooked before.

Tonight I'm going to make chicken soup for the first time in my life, wish me luck. I'm a big cooker but E is veggie so we pretty much stick to veggie/dairy food. I'll post some Pesach recipes over the next couple of days. I think I've actually found some really good stuff, though they won't be tested until the holiday is over. So to start, here is a recipe that was published today in the New York Times. I was going to cut and paste the recipe but then decided that I might be infringing on their copyright, so here's the link. This orange-almond cake looks damn good, kind of frangipan like, and it doesn't have any margarine! There's been a kosher for Pesach margarine shortage here (yeah, wierd), so I had to find a back up to my chocolate dessert that I was going to make.

Orange-Almond Cake (The New York Times, Dining and Wine, April 5, 2006)



Happy preparations everyone! If you have any great pesach recipes, dessert or not, feel free to post it in the comments.

Have you ever?

Here is a meme that I've read on a couple of blogs lately. I really like it, it asks all of the really important questions in life. Of course there is plenty of knocking on wood after every single answer.

Have you ever? Game:

Taken a picture naked? No.

Made out with a member of the same sex? No.

Danced in front of your mirror? All the time.

Told a lie? Not many, I'm really bad at it.

Gotten in a car with people you just met? Once or twice, in Israel where it is much more accepted, and before stuff got bad.

Been in a fist fight? A guy at summer camp pushed me across the room because I didn't want to play spin the bottle. Yeah, weird.

Had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back? Yup, lots.

Been arrested? No.

Left your house without telling your parents? No.

Ditched school to do something more fun? Um, college. Not high school.

Slept in a bed with a member of the same sex? Lots. Never sexually.

Seen someone die? No

Kissed a picture? I'm sure I have.

Slept in until 3? No, but could definitely pull off noon.

Laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by? Yup.

Played dress up? Lots.

Fallen asleep at work/school? Yeah, but I had to train myself to do it.

Felt an earthquake? No, but supposedly I was there during one, I just didn't feel it.

Touched a snake? Once, but in a very controlled situation. I do not like creepy crawlies.

Ran a red light? Never a real red light, I'll hit the edges of them by accident every now and
then.

Had detention? Yes, once, but I can't remember what it was for.

Been in a car accident? Nothing major.

Pole danced? No.

Been lost? Yes, I'm not known for my directional prowess.

Sang karaoke? Only once, but I was in an A capella group all through college which is even better.

Done something you told yourself you wouldn’t? Yeah, a lot.

Laughed until something you were drinking came out your nose? Very infrequently, I hate that feeling.

Caught a snowflake on your tongue? Oh my god. The first thing I do when it snows is eat it!

Kissed in the rain? I think so.

Sang in the shower? All the time. Though I've grown out of it a bit.

Got your tongue stuck to a pole? Uh, no.

Ever gone to school partially naked? No.

Sat on a roof top? Yeah, lots.

Played chicken? No.

Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on? Yup.

Been told you’re hot by a complete stranger? Yes.

Broken a bone? No.

Mooned/flashed someone? I think my husband has been the only lucky recipient of this one.

Forgotten someone’s name? Yes, I always feel so bad, it's one of my pet peeves when other people forget my name.

Blacked out from drinking? No, I obviously have not gotten drunk enough.

Played a prank on someone? Yeah, my sister.

Felt like killing someone? Sure.

Made a parent cry? Every time I get on the airplane to come back here.

Cried over someone? Way too much.

Had sex more than 10 times in a weekend? No never that much. My sex drive has been awful the past couple of years, I wish I could get to that point.

Had/Have a dog? The Puppers!

Been in a band? I think my A capella nerdiness definitely counts.

Drank 25 sodas in a day? No. I love coke (real not diet) so I try to keep it to once a week.

Shot a gun? Yup, M-16. Gadna.