The Rediculousness of it All

Could someone please explain to me how I went from not being sure I wanted to get pregnant to, "I'm supposed to get my period like now, but haven't, but have such obvious PMS that I know I will, but yet I want to pee on a stick", over the course of like one month??????

My lord, I better get pregnant soon because I just cannot take the drama! I'm also trying to ration pee sticks because they are damn expensive. I will feel really stupid and indulgent if I pee on a stick and then get my period 3 hours later.

Updates

I know this isn't so exciting, but this is what there is.

Yesterday was my Birthday. It was really one of the best birthdays I've had in a while, pictures to come.

Life has finally been falling back into a routine after the holidays. E and I finally got our butts to Israeli dancing after over a year of not going. Suprisingly we had a really good time. I missed it.

I'm pretty sure I'm getting my period tomorrow, no fun at all. It's a bit sad that we didn't get pregnant right away, but really we can't complain. Onwards. I'm pretty sure E's sister did get pregnant this month though (we haven't heard officially but we have a pretty good idea) which really is awesome. She's a good bit older than me and had just started IF treatment, mainly to not waste time than anything else. I am so relieved and happy for them.

That my friends is really all there is going on at the land of the pomegranates. All uterus on my brain all the time. I really don't know how this happened.

Shinayim, Einayim, Oznayim

I'm really happy that I went.

The mikvah visit was much better than I could have expected. I was so worried that the Mikvah lady was going to grill me about how I practice taharat mishpacha and then not let me use the mikvah once she found out that I practice differently than Orthodox Jews (I wouldn't have been able to lie about it).

She was perfect, so sweet, and made it such a good experience.

The Mikvah itself was much nicer than I expected. I stare at it everyday from my house, and from that viewpoint it really looks like a shack. Inside there are actually two preparation rooms (I was sure there was only going to be one) that had been recently redone. It wasn't a spa but it was a far cry from what I'm sure it looked like when it was built in 1948. The Mikvah itself was teeny tiny, the bare minimum, but as a result the water was so nice and toasty.

After I showered quickly one last time in the prep room. I walked into the Mikvah room where she was waiting for me she very gently checked my hands, feet, and back, and then in a gentle singsong voice asked shinayim, einayim, oznayim (teeth, eyes, ears) to help me remember if I had brushed and flossed my teeth, took out my contact, and cleaned my ears. Never accusatory, just a reminder, she was helping me and a part of the whole thing.

I then walked down the steps into the water while she held my towel on the side. Once I was in the water she asked me what my practice for saying the blessing was (sephardim and ashkenasim have different traditions). I told her, then pushed off of the wall, let go and went under the water.

As I came up, I heard a very clear, sweet, "Ka-sher". It makes me smile now just thinking about it. She just sounded like she so enjoyed helping all of us perform this mitzvah.

Blessing, two more dips, and I was done.

I came out, she shook my hand and wished me a happy new year. She was so cute.

The dipping itself didn't have a miraculous spiritual effect on me. I didn't expect it too, that's not how I do mitzvahs. This is just another very important mitzvah that I feel I should be performing, and the fact that I'm now doing it after it being off-limits for the first two years of my marriage (there are a lot of reasons for that, just know that it's not a common thing for non-Orthodox Jews to do but at the same time it's as important as keeping kosher which is a common thing, a subject for another post).

A new mitzvah, a new year, indeed.

Religious Fervor and its Aftermath

Yom Kippur has come and gone, and left me feeling like I was run over by a truck. It was a combination of no food, stressing about a really stressed puppy, and being with people I'm not particularly comfortable with in a place I don't feel comfortable in.

The praying was actually pretty good and I was enjoying it, until Neilah (closing prayer for Yom Kippur). During Neilah our normal, run of the mill service was joined by the enthusiastic Yeshiva students who learn on the kibbutz that we were staying at. Normally adding Yeshiva students adds a bit of spice and life to a monotonous service, but something about how these kids were praying was just a little too much for me. They were into it in a way that made my skin crawl a little bit.

This particular Yeshiva is considered to be very left wing and liberal but I just couldn't relate to how they were praying. They were connecting to the prayer in a very literal sense, every word that came out of their mouths was as if it was the absolute truth. I don't know, anything that approaches a feeling of absolute certainty or unbending truth gives me the willies. It inherently implies that that they are right, you are wrong. I just can't connect with that myself, it's not me.

Plus, Yom Kippur for me is about personal introspection and prayer. I agree, there is something very powerful about asking for forgiveness and confessing your sins in unison with the community, but these kids were getting drunk off of the intensity and for me that's where things start to lose their meaning. It starts to feel like a cult.

But, as E later told me, isn't all of Judaism a cult? Oy.

It's incredible how being taken out of your comfort zone, religiously or otherwise, makes you question everything you have always taken for granted.

On that note, I'm going to the Mikvah tonight for the first time. Holy Shit. Wish me luck.

Any mikvah advice is more than welcome.