The Summary

5 IUIs.

2 Fresh IVFs.

2 FETs.

1 Chemical.

1 Miscarriage.

0 Babies.

I really hope the statistics gods are looking at this now. It is time for an IVF to freakin work.

Over

Beta was 6. My doctor isn't even saying if it was chemical or not, I guess it could be the trigger.

This cycle was supposed to be our last, but that was under the assumption that we would have some frozen cycles from this as well. Ever since I started bleeding I have been swaying back and forth about doing a third fresh cycle. My husband thinks I'm crazy but I think I'm going to do it. I lived with the idea of this being the end for a couple of days and I wasn't at peace with it. I think I'm going to do it. My veins might be completely scarred shut by the end but one last time.

To Believe or Not to Believe

I'm reaching the end. I started bleeding this morning at 9dp3dt, it has tapered off but it's just like what I usually get before my period. My doctor is having my increase my estrogen dose, but from what I understand increasing the estrogen will just hold off the bleeding. Even with low estrogen, if I really was pregnant I wouldn't bleeding now anyway. So, what do I believe? That something really truly could be implanting and the bleeding was because of the estrogen? That glimmer of hope that's so easy to grasp on to? The fact that my progesterone was so high two days ago just on suppositories?

I think I really need to accept that this is over. We are done. My wonderful beautiful daughter will never have a sibling. I will never have another baby. For some reason it was not meant to be.

8dp3dt

I'm not feeling pregnant. That's about all I can say. My body has the decidedly deflated not pregnant feeling. It's very depressing. I'm not particularly crampy, which for me is good, but I don't have much else to keep me going. I'm not spotting but I swear my discharge was getting slightly darker this morning as well, never a good sign.

I had my E2 and progesterone tested yesterday. My progesterone was a very stellar 71, but my E2 was 142 which is alarmingly low. I started taking estrofem yesterday, but I hope it wasn't too late.

Not much I can do now besides pray for a miracle. This is the last cycle for us.

Where I Stand

Egg Retrieval went fine, 16 eggs were retrieved. My friend A was there too in the bed next to me making the whole process much more enjoyable. It's always good to have some emotional support even if you are both drugged up. 16 sounded perfect, lots to work with and definitely no OHSS. But then I don't know what happened.

We ICSI'd all of the eggs, 12 fertilized. But by day 2 we were down to 8 (which is totally expected) but they apparently all had fragmentation. The doctor did not sound so happy. He told me to just do a day 3 transfer and not even try to go to day 5.

I show up at my transfer and I have two very good looking 8 cell embryos which we transfer. I also have another 8 cell, some 6 cells, and some five, all apparently with fragmentation. I just don't get it. The lab said that none of the others looked good enough to freeze, even the 8 cell one. I know my lab is a bit picky with what they freeze, but this seems a little ridiculous. So, I don't really know what happened there. My doctor says he is very happy with the outcome, 2 good looking embryos in a fresh transfer. But the numbers just don't add up for me. Last cycle I transferred one fresh and froze four, and this out of the same number of embryos to start with.

So, I don't really know where I stand right now. I'm really happy to have transferred 2 good embryos in a healthy fresh cycle, but not having anything frozen is really disappointing. These guys better sick around for the long haul because I really don't think I can do this again.