Peeking Out from my Cave

I have to update something here. No matter how much I try to stay detached from TTC, it really sneaks up on me and kills me in the end. It's all I can do to convince myself that I don't think I'm pregnant and I won't be upset when I get my period, when really that's all that's on my mind. As a result, I start closing in on myself, pretending that I'm not thinking about it when my whole mind is occupied with worry. I crawl into my cave, I can't update my blog for fear that all of my thoughts are going to pour out and make me look stupid. I think this is especially because E reads my blog, I don't want to get his hopes up. This is getting rediculous though. I need this place to vent so I'm going to try to keep it that way.

My temperature finally dropped today so my period is inevitable. I am really worried that I have a luteal phase defect. In general I have a luteal phase that is on the shorter side (12 days), that in it of itself is fine except that I also tend to spot 2-3 days before my official period. That has always made me nervous. Then this month I had major red spotting with cramps from 9dpo through 11dpo. When I first saw the blood I just thought it was my normal pre-period spotting but then I looked at the calendar and it was way too early, and more blood than normal. The spotting and cramps went away completely yesterday and the day before, and that was enough to convince me that maybe I should take a pregnancy test. Then my temperature dropped. Now I'm just waiting.

I want some sushi.

Something was wrong with me this month. Maybe it was me fighting off a virus, maybe it was the monster yeast infection that I got right after ovulation (see, sometimes it's good that I don't update my blog). I don't know, but that bleeding was not good.

I'm going to check my TSH in a couple of days. I know your thyroid is supposed to mess with your luteal phase. Last time I checked my TSH it was about 2.83, the lowest it's been since I started treating my hypothyroidism. Once it got to that level I felt good, my symptoms really stayed away so I never tried to lower it more than that. I know that they (the ubiquitous they) recommend a TSH between 1-2 for getting pregnant. Maybe it's as easy as taking more medicine. It's probably one of the few things I can control at this point. The doctors here laugh at me when I even hint that we're having trouble getting pregnant because I'm so young. I don't know how I'm even going to get a doctor to prescribe progesterone for me if my spotting pattern continues.

One thing at a time. Lower my TSH and then bug my OB/GYN.

Not Much New

Not much going on here. Adjusting to life without my parents here again. It was a really great visit but I needed a week to recouperate from that. Though I have some very cute clothing to show for it all now.

OPKs used. Found my surge (though I think I have a fade in thing, where I get a really dark line that's like 70% of the control line). Ovulated. Had sex (actually the other way around, but you know what I mean). Now we just wait and see.

All of my friends just had babies. It was the first wave. I'm very excited for them all. I don't feel bad because they all got pregnant before I had even decided that I wanted to as well. Hopefully we'll have our first before they all have their second. Kidding. Kind of.

Looking forward to a very quiet weekend, just me, the hubby, and the puppy.

Have a good weekend everyone.

Depressing

This TTC thing is just depressing. I'm using OPKs this month and I'm just too depressed to even try using them. I feel like I would rather leave a couple of variables in the equation so that if we don't get pregnant again I have something to blame. The more I let myself think about everything the more I can convince myself that having a baby might not be so easy for us. I know I have absolutely no basis for thinking that but it's really hard not to let my mind go to that place.

Also, I know I said a while back that my SIL was finally pregnant but I forgot to update and say that she isn't, we were wrong. So, she's also slogging through this crap and I can't even talk to her about it because she's in the middle of real treatments and it's not fair of me to complain when it's just taking us longer than expected at this point in time. I really feel very alone.

At least I get to go pee on some sticks and not feel guilty about it.